


I See You (but you're eyes only for my brother)

by the5leggedCricket



Series: Time of Our Lives [2]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Multi, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-14
Updated: 2015-05-14
Packaged: 2018-03-30 13:06:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3937915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the5leggedCricket/pseuds/the5leggedCricket
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>I'm Having the Time of My Life</i>, seen through Morgana's eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I See You (but you're eyes only for my brother)

**i**

_And the National Television Award for Best Director goes to… Merlin Emrys!_

Gwen squeals and throws her arms around Morgana. They do a happy dance while Merlin walks towards the stage.

They’ve recorded the whole thing and play it back, over and over, watching Merlin’s face light up with genuine surprise, Arthur thumping his back.

Later, when Merlin and Arthur have arrived at Gwen and Morgana’s flat, they replay it even more. But when Morgana looks over at where they’re sitting, knees pressed together, they’re looking at each other instead of the screen.

 

**ii**

Morgana locks the car and put on her sunglasses. They’re big and cover half of her face. With a last look in her car window she makes sure her hair lies flat and then she turns around to cross the street. Which is when she sees him. Merlin.

His hands in his pockets, his shoulders almost at his ears, his head ducked… He’s the picture of misery. She quickly crosses the street, and calls out, “Merlin!” but his pace is too rapid, bringing him out of earshot. He disappears behind the corner of the street, leaving Morgana staring at him. What the hell did Arthur do?

But when she walks into his flat without knocking - weird, he never leaves his door unlocked - her brother, too, looks as if someone just killed Merlin’s hypothetical puppy - the only puppy that he would care about, of course, since he’s not one for dogs himself.

She sighs and manhandles him into the couch. He lets her.

“What happened? I just saw Merlin leave.”

At the mention of his friend’s name, Arthur finally looks at her. His eyes are wide and he sounds shocked when he says, “He’s leaving.”

“Merlin?”

“He’s going to America.”

Morgana sits back. Well, she definitely didn’t see that one coming.

“Arthur—”

“No, you don’t understand. I _love_ him.”

He abruptly closes his mouth, as if he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Knowing him, he probably hadn’t. It hurts her to think of how long he must’ve had these feelings, how deep he must be in if he’s admitted it to himself and now to her.

She gently lays her hand on his shoulder, squeezing it softly.

“You should tell him.” He opens his mouth to interrupt her, but she ignores it. “You’re probably the only one who can stop him from leaving. And I have a strong suspicion that he wants you to.”

“Morgana, you can’t know that.” If there’s a desperate tone to his voice, then she ignores that too.

 “As I said, I just saw Merlin leave. He looked devastated.”

 “He did?”

 “Yes. Arthur, do you really want him to leave, not knowing if he returns your feelings? To possibly meet someone else there? Running the risk he might never return?”

 It’s below the belt and she knows it. Still, she doesn’t expect it when Arthur squares his jaw with a determined look on his face and says, “No.” And, simple as that, “I’m going to tell him.”

 

**iii**

In his eulogy, Uther praises Arthur more than he ever did when he was still alive. There are no tears, only pride that is shown way too late for his son. And a bit of anger. It’s the only time when Uther loses his composure somewhat, when he mentions the man who drove through a red light, straight into Arthur’s car. Morgana knows the man’s life is destroyed too. Uther made sure of that.

Merlin’s is the exact opposite. First sentence in and he already breaks down. Morgana has to support him when he walks back to his seat in the front row. He doesn’t stop crying, but he does keep talking. Later, when they’ve buried Arthur and everyone has gone to the reception. He stands at the newly made grave and talks and talks. He talks about what Arthur truly meant to him. About how much he’ll miss him. And how it’s his fault.

Morgana stands there, right beside him, but he’s oblivious, eyes only for her brother.

She stands there and listens and realises she can never tell him the words Arthur wanted him to know but never got to tell him.

 

**iv**

“I’m leaving.”

Morgana tears her eyes away from the clothes she was folding to look at Merlin.

“I’m going to America.”

She nods silently. It has taken him longer to tell them than expected, but expected it is. Gwen doesn’t look surprised either.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?”

“Just… some pictures. If you don’t want them.” He glances at the stack of photos in his hands.

“No. You can have them.” She puts the folded clothes in an empty box that will go to the charity shop.

While Gwen and she put the last of his stuff in boxes, Merlin doesn’t look up again and keeps staring at her brother when he was still alive.

 

**v**

“So, this is it.” Gwen tries to sound cheerful but it’s an attempt that falls flat. It’s hard to be cheerful around Merlin these days.

Merlin hums noncommittally, looking somewhere over Gwen’s right shoulder.

Morgana scrapes her throat. “Good luck, Merlin.” At that, he meets her gaze and nods. After a second, his eyes start to wander again.

“And, you know, keep in touch.” Gwen clutches her bag nervously. Out of the two of them, Gwen has the most trouble with Merlin’s uneerie silence. Now, he’s looking at a point behind Morgana, somewhere left of her.

Then, without another word, he sets off towards the gate, his head going left and right, left and right, always looking for Arthur and never finding him.

 

**vi**

Morgana turns on the television and settles in Gwen’s arms. It takes a while – a long while – but eventually Merlin appears on their screen. As soon as he left, he took all means of contacting him with him, so they have to depend on the paper and telly to tell them how he’s doing. And what it tells them is not good. He isn’t coping.

Merlin’s lucky he’s such a directing genius or he probably would have been out of a job ever since he set foot in America. Now, he’s almost as famous for his alcohol addiction as he is for _Time of Our Lives_. Sometimes Morgana wonders when it started. If maybe it had been going on when he was still in England, with them. Right under their noses. If she should have noticed something. Well, now she’s noticing, as is everyone else. His eyes are bloodshot, his beard unshorn.

Worst is, when she recalls the conversation he had with Arthur’s coffin, she knows what’s causing it.

Guilt. The most misplaced guilt ever.

She didn’t speak up back then, let him have his time with Arthur, and now she would but can’t. There’s no way of contacting him and he’s left alone with his remorse, no one there to talk him out of it.

When he looks into the camera, his grimace is pained.

_And the Oscar for Best Director goes to… Merlin Emrys!_

Somehow, with the award in his hands, he looks even more miserable.

 

**vii**

Morgana is doing the dishes when Gwen calls her over. Towel in her hands, she walks to the little desk against the window, with an amazing view on their garden. 

“What is it, honey?”

Gwen looks up at her, face ashen. “Did you know that… that Hunith is dead?”

“ _What_?”

Gwen only points at the paper she was reading. “See for yourself.”

And there it is. **Interview with Merlin Emrys** where they ask him about his absence at some film festival or other. His answer is short, but there’s no misinterpreting his words. He had gone to England to bury his mother. Hunith had died and they hadn’t even known.

 

**viii**

Merlin’s latest film is supposed to be a romantic comedy. However, when the best friend of the protagonist is called ‘Arthur’, Morgana doesn’t find it so funny anymore. And when 3 scenes later that same friend is called ‘a prat’, she bursts into tears.

 

**ix**

On what would have been Arthur’s 32nd birthday, Morgana goes to his grave. However, when she arrives, flowers in her hand, there’s a body slumped over it.

With trepidation, she comes closer. It’s Merlin. A drunk-off-his-arse Merlin, who’s mumbling nonsense.

Flowers forgotten, she grabs him by the shoulders. With some effort and very little cooperation from Merlin, she pulls him up and leads him to her car. She calls Gwen to warn her about the unexpected guest she’s bringing home.

Merlin keeps muttering to himself. And then she catches what it is that he’s saying.

“Never leave you again.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all feedback welcome.


End file.
